We are members of a church that LOVES children. We even keep them in our services. There is no nursery, Sunday school classes or children’s church. We stick together, unlike most churches today who divide everyone up in different groups. That is one thing that was all new to us when we visited Oikos Community Church. It was so unlike anything we’d seen before.
We have families of many sizes at our church. From a family of eight right down to a family of one and everything in-between! More than half of the families(or more) have adopted children as well as children they have given birth too. The heart for children at Oikos thrills my heart as Jesus LOVED children. He called them a blessing, a treasure and invited them to Himself when other would have them scooted off.
Some of you know that I’ve dealt with infertility for a long time. I was told I’d not have more children after we had Noah. Titus was a complete, shocking miracle! Six years after Noah was born, we were so grateful that God blessed my womb again and gave us another son. So, here we are almost 9 years from the time I became pregnant last.
- Nine years of an empty womb.
- Nine years of negative tests.
- Nine years of heartache, tears and pain.
I know beyond a doubt that I am blessed with the two boys that God has given to me. They are truly blessings straight from God. I know there are women out there who long for one child who would be angry at my hurt for not having more than two. That pain is a reality for so many. Please know that I care and can relate in some way to your circumstances. So, why did God place me in a child-loving, family integrated church? Because He loves me. He wants to sanctify me and make me more like Himself. He wants me to keep handing over my hurt to Him. He loves to protect me and comfort me when I come running into His arms in prayer and to His word.Ps. 56:8 “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”
I have learned that apart from Christ, I am nothing and that I am protected by the Most High.Ps. 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings…”
I have women in my life at church who know my pain well and pray for me. When I’m in a pool of tears in the restroom, arms are flung around my neck to give comfort and whispered prayers. When a new baby is there for the first time and I cry, that mama knows why and prays. She doesn’t run from me, but encourages my heart to trust God with even this. I am brought back to God’s word over and over again by my dear, sweet sisters. ~Though my womb may never hold a child again, God is still good. ~Though my womb may never hold a child again, God is still faithful. ~Though my womb may never hold a child again, God is enough. He alone is worthy to be praised…no matter what my life holds in the days ahead. Dear friend, keep your eyes lifted to Christ, though it may be through tears.Ps. 16:1-2 “Preserve me, O God, for in your I take refuge. I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.’”
Let me know how I can pray for you. You are not alone.“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.”
by Helen Lemmel
Other posts on Infertility: Broken Places and Broken Places(Part 2)-Infertility Questions and God. Find me on Facebook: A Home With Purpose Pin: When Being at Church Hurts-Infertility *I LOVE babies, squish, hug and smootch on them as often as I can. I am ALWAYS overjoyed when a friend or loved one is expecting or adopting. I just wanted to be clear on that.
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About Jennifer
Hello there! I’m Jennifer and Welcome to my website – A Home with Purpose. My passion is sharing Christ’s Love and recipes with my Trim Healthy Mama friends. Learn more about me.
I know your hurt.
Thank you, Shari. 🙂
You are not alone. I wrote this in July. You, too, are far above rubies! May God continue to use our trials for His honor and glory…so that we may comfort others with the same comfort we have received from our Comforter!
Her price is far above rubies…
July 23, 2014 at 5:03pm
This summer, I participated in an online Bible study that focused on God’s Love for me. And let me tell you, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. You see, lately, I’ve been questioning my worth in God’s eyes. Questioning His love for me. Up until a few months ago, my identity was set in being a mother, wife and woman (of God). And in my mind, although I did not realize it at the time, I thought that meant that the success of myself in these roles, defined my worth in God’s eyes and defined who I was “in Christ”. But the events over the past three months, when I had some of those things suddenly stripped away from me, made me really question who I was and how I identify myself.
Now, I know the truths…I am a child of God, saved by grace, not by works. I am a daughter of the Heavenly King. But I guess I never really reflected on what that meant…for me…personally…really meditated on it’s meaning. Even with those truths, my identity, unconsciously, was in my role of mother, wife, woman.
Well, a few months ago the ability to be a vessel for the creation of new life (babies) was stripped away from me when I had a hysterectomy because of a diagnosis of uterine cancer. And with that, came the full speed, train wreck of surgical menopause…no gentle transition…no “beautiful” next phase of life…just SLAM, CRASH, BANG, BOOM, SCCCRRRREEEEAAAACHHHH….one day I wake up and I am postmenopausal with all it’s “glory”. In the same moment, you might find me on the couch with a heating pad on my ice cold, polar capped feet and an ice pack on my sweating, dry, burning inferno face. So, I naturally grieved the loss of that role as new mommy…never again to carry another child in the warmth of my womb. Never again to nurse a newborn babe against my bosom. Never again to place the fragile precious baby into our basinet. That phase of my life…over….just like that. And of course, then satan saw me doubting, because he prowls around waiting to devour, and started whispering, “Didn’t God say be fruitful and multiply?” And a part of my identity died. And I started to question who I was. And then because of the loooonnnggg recuperation time (still going on now), the children started to slip in their behavior. And more whispers from satan, “Didn’t God say train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it?” And as I started to feel like a failure as a mother, another part of my identity, as mother, died. And then some more health complications that interfered with my role as wife. And more whispers, “Didn’t God create a woman to be a help meet and companion to her husband?” And another part of my identity died, as a wife, even though my husband was completely and 100% loving, supportive and understanding. It did not matter. And when I called my doctor and in his usual, horrible bedside manner, tried to make me feel better by comparing me to a 90 year old woman, more whispers came, “You are old. You are worthless. You are broken and of no value. God cannot use you now. Look at yourself.” And another part of my identity was stripped away, as a woman.
And there I sat. Crumbled. Broken. Shattered. Cast aside. Worthless. A failure. Shards everywhere, stained with tears of desperation and hopelessness…
And then a glimmer of hope. A small statement from a dear friend, “Remember who you are in Christ.” My initial response…”yeah, yeah, yeah…yada, yada, yada…” I’m a mother, wife and woman. That is who I am in Christ. Who I am is how well I fulfill those roles. But is it? Because if it is, then where does that leave me? At the age of 41…I’m done. I have a body of a 90 year old. I can no longer pro-create. My children aren’t listening. I’m broken as a wife. If who I am is defined by those roles, what hope is there for me? And pretty soon, the miry pit got deeper…darker…muckier…slipperier… On some days it was easier to just sit and wallow in the lies and deception that satan was trying to keep me under. But that statement, “Remember who you are in Christ.” And the scriptures on God’s love for me from the summer bible study…they lingered. That mucky pit, where when I tried to escape, all that happened was the mud kept slipping under my hands and feet and I could not climb out, all of a sudden had another way out. I turned around and there was a tunnel. And when I looked up, there was a glimmer of Light at the end of the tunnel. Not a very big one. But a small sparkle of Hope. And those verses…they did not return void…they made the Light greater…they lit up the way to freedom in Christ! I closed my eyes and meditated on those scriptures. I let them seep into the depths of my heart and soul…
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.(Romans 8:35,37-39 ESV)
I will set my eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down; I will plant them, and not pluck them up. I will give them a heart to know that I am the LORD, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.(Jeremiah 24:6-7 ESV)
And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.(1 John 5:20 ESV)
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.(Romans 8:1 ESV)
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.(Romans 5:6,8 ESV)
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.(Romans 8:26-27 ESV)
And of course this one:
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.(Ephesians 2:8-10 ESV)
I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”(John 10:28-30 ESV)
And it was remembering this:
For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. (Romans 10:13 ESV)
But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, (John 1:12 ESV)
I realized, after having all what I placed my identity in stripped away, that I was placing my identity in my works.
My works is not who I am.
Being a mother is not who I am.
Being a wife is not who I am.
Being a woman is not who I am.
When you strip that all away…
I am left with this…
I am a child of God.
“And if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:17-18 ESV)
And this same friend reminded me again of my worth, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10 KJB)
I am worthy in God’s eyes…not because of what I do or the other roles I don…but because I am created in His image, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am worth far above rubies because I have called on the name of the Lord and am saved, and am now a Child of God! Praise God that my worth is not in my own power or in my own works!
Why do I share this? Because of this…
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.(Romans 8:28-30 ESV)
And this…
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.(2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV)
I still struggle. I am still recovering from my surgery. I am still riding that hormonal wave with it’s ups and downs, occasionally getting a little seasick…
But today I proclaim God’s goodness in revealing who I am in Christ. Today I proclaim His goodness…His love…His mercy…His grace…His comfort! And I pray that someone would be encouraged through my testimony. It’s not easy to share when we are weak. And I do it all for the glory of God, in the hopes that by my sharing, it would touch someone’s soul and bring them closer to the God who created them.
To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.(1 Timothy 1:17 ESV)
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I love many of these same scriptures! What Bible study did you do or book did you read?
It was the Good Morning Girls Summer Esther study.
Jennifer – my heart breaks also. It is hard to have a yielded womb, yielded to whatever God’s plan is for us. I am blessed with seven children but have lost eight through miscarriages – One of the later ones at 16 weeks. I went to visit a friend who recently had a baby and just wept as I held this precious new life. Not because I was angry, not because I wished anything for her but joy but just because….. I am much older than you I think. My days of expecting are at an end barring a Sarah-type miracle. So as the seasons change for me I am waiting for the Lord to show me what is next. Sharing in your heartache…. thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. I have come to the same conclusions. God is still good; God is still faithful. God is still enough. I think being yielded is a hard road to walk because it does not always mean what we hope or expect is what God’s plan is for our life. Walking with you, hand-in-hand on this faith journey. Richest blessings…. dria
Dria, thank you for those words. Walking yielded to Christ is hard, but I know as you do..very worth it! I know exactly what you mean. As I hold these precious little ones I am truly joyful for these families, yet the pain is real. Not anger, but just hurt. Thanks for sharing with me!
I, too, recently lost another baby at 17 weeks. I still struggle with moments of heart squeezing pain when seeing round, pregnant bellies of friends. He would have been born in just over 2 months. I’ve lost other babies, but this one has been much more difficult as I am “old”. Knowing, too, that the autopsy (required by law in our state) revealed no genetic issues or reason for his demise leaves me wondering if I did something wrong. I first panicked over the pregnancy as our finances are such that feeding our family feels like a weekly crisis; so was I just too ungrateful? Not trusting? Selfish? Too concerned with my parents’ disappointment (they do not understand our convictions)? To have seen one ultra sound of a perfectly healthy, kicking baby and then see the lifeless little body, perfectly still at the next appointment was difficult.
Your words have, along with the word of God, have given me comfort and perspective.
Erin, I’m so sorry for your loss.I’m thankful you know the Lord and that He is comforting you.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I am not sure if you know that i have 1 miscarriage in between Allysa and Andrea, and 2 ectopic pregnancies after our last girl Brianna. No matter how many children one has, a loss is still a loss. I no longer work in the nursery and holding babies makes my heart hurt. I praise the Lord for the gift of life for any mommy, but my empty arms still ache. I praise the Lord for my 4 wonderful girls. Many would say that 4 is enough. They are right. God has given me more than enough. He has also given me a ministry of comfort to other mommies with empty arms. I am blessed. I praise God for His blessed hope of His glorious appearing. I one day will meet my precious babies in heaven.
Thanks for sharing, Christian. I didn’t know that. 🙂 God is good at giving us ministries we were never expecting! Love you!
Oh how I know what your’e talking about. We waited 7 years for our first child and then 9.5 years for our second. It was difficult watching families having their 5th and 6th child when I was praying for my 1st and second. Not that I wasn’t happy for them, I Just wished I could have one too. And it’s such a lonely feeling. It’s not one of those life-burdens that everyone gathers around and supports you, like they would with an illness, etc. You just suffer alone, watching all those babies, the large sets of siblings while your child sits alone.
We’re content with out two now. Not that I wouldn’t have loved a big family but because I know that my pregnancies were dangerous to me and my babies, so we’re not going to risk any more. (My youngest is now 6 and I’m 46, so we’ve settled into our family of 4.)
thanks for sharing your heart on this sensitive issue.
Thank you, Beth. I’m glad God has brought contentment to your heart! Only He can do that!
I was told wrongly by a doctor that I could not or should not attempt to have kids. It was devastating.
My husband came with me to church not only on Easter and Christmas but also mother’s day.
You are loved.
I am a mom of seven, and although the I have an abundance of children before I had even one I lost three babies. Trusting that God had a clue of my pain was so tough. As a pastor’s wife I had to just deal with it, but it hurt so badly. I understand the hurt and the joy for others.
Thank you, Serena!
I love this post!! I’m here to encourage today, ladies. I have struggled (and I mean struggled) with infertility. It took two years and a miscarriage before our son was born. Then five years of barrenness!! And wrestling with/questioning God. And oh, the desire!!! But God blessed us with another…and then four years later, another. My womb that was once so empty has grown three children in it. But even after the third one I still wasn’t satisfied. I yearned and begged. Until finally….I didn’t. I quit begging and bargaining and just put my fertility completely in the Lord’s hands. It was such an amazing feeling (and a complete miracle) to be able to leave it all in God’s control, and actually be okay. No, not just okay but HAPPY with whatever He decides. Whether we have anymore children or my amazing, precocious two year old is my grand finale…either is great. I have to say, it is a wonderful place to be. And if God can get ME to this place, He can get anyone.
Beautiful words! Amen!
Have you considered adoption?
Yes, we have. 🙂
What a blessing women of God are, to encourage each other.
My husband and I have two sons, ages 12 and 16. For the past 10 years I have wanted to adopt but my husband wasn’t up for it. A couple of years ago, I read Nancy Campbell’s “Be Fruitful and Multiply” and was convicted that our prevention of having children was not a good thing. Still, my husband’s heart had not changed for more children. Then at the beginning of this year, I learned that I was in menopause. I was so sad to learn of that. So, now, even more, I want to adopt, but hubby still isn’t ready. When I attended an Above Rubies retreat, Nancy prayed for me, as were the other sweet sisters. My tears were flowing as I let others cover me in prayers. I have still not seen any desire for more children in my husband. But I keep hoping and praying. No matter what, God is good! (I can see that right now is not a good time for us anyway, as my father is in hospice. God knows best!)
Alana, thank you for sharing your heart. I love how God works in our hearts!
Adopt!
😉
Only God can give peace. Even with peace, hurts still can hurt. We have 2 darling girls and we lost our third girl this past August at 30 weeks gestation. To cling to God and His promises are the only way I have gotten through the devastating loss. The grief, though crushing, cannot take me from the comfort of my Fathers hands. I do not know what is next, but I trust He does and that is good enough for me.
That is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
Eight years of heartache and pain? Do you mean that even when you had a baby, you were heartbroken that you didn’t have another?
I wonder if the problem is deeper than you say. Or unrelated to infertility at all. It seems odd that at a time you could have been rejoicing and enjoying your babies, you were heartbroken at not having yet another. Have you considered evaluation for depression? I mean this in a kind way, but your reaction seems extreme and not that rational.
Would another baby even solve your pain? Or would you be unhappy still, since you’d like a fourth?
Finally, babies are nice, but God has given us so many other wonderful things in life, too. Go out and find them and enjoy them!
Judy, I have two sons. I love them very, very much. I am beyond thankful that God gave them to us. I have many different health issues that I’m walking through at this time. I have been misdiagnosed for a long time. Doctors treat instantly for depression when other issues were really the problem. I am weeding through those now.
God gives women that desire to be a mama. When I gave my fertility and family over the Lord…it was His to do as He willed. In my heart that meant I’d be the mother of many children, but His plan looks different than mine. It doesn’t make it easy sometimes. I am trying to focus on the Lord and who He is, not on me. I truly believe children are a blessing and gift from the Lord. His to give. I have nieces, nephews and many little ones at church to hold, cuddle and kiss on…besides my own two boys.
I was never ever heartbroken right after I had a child thinking of the next. I fully enjoyed my sweet boys.
If you want to be a mother to many children, why don’t you adopt?
Above in other comments, I see Jen has mentioned that her and her husband have considered adoption. That seems to be her sweet answer. 🙂 Jen and her husband are such loves! This post is about her journey with infertility … If the Lord desires to grow their family through pregnancy or other means, that will be for His beauty and His glory! And that will be more of her story! He writes His story in our lives and sanctifies us through it. Sometimes parts of that story are painful … But as He grows us through it, He brings such Joy to our lives! Joy often comes through amazingly painful times of heartache. I’ve seen Jen come through with Joy and we praise the Lord for His work in her and her husband’s lives! He is such a glorious God!!
Thank you, Kristi! You know me in real life. I’m thankful for your words since you really know me well. xox
Judy, I have 2 children and praise God I will be welcoming another child any day now. In between giving birth to my daughters and becoming pregnant with this baby, I had 5 miscarriages.
During those years of miscarriage after miscarriage I rejoiced in the children I was able to carry and have living on earth but wept at the thought that I may never be able to carry another baby to term again. It is 100% normal for mamas to grieve when they do not know if they will be able to conceive and bear much-wanted children. To infer that a mama is depressed because of this great desire to bear more children is very much an injustice towards the thousands upon thousands of women who cannot conceive or, when they do conceive, cannot carry to term. God has given women the great calling of being others and women who want children very much grieve the loss of those children whether it be from miscarriage, death, or the loss of being able to conceive those children.
I would urge you to dig into God’s word and do some reading on how to support women who are in the place of infertility or unable to carry babies past a certain point. Those of us in this position need your loving support and prayer; we do not need to hear uninformed opinions suggesting we have a psychological problem for wanting to do the very thing God created us to do.
Oh I understand! It’s not easy. Yet God is so good.
I hate that there are insensitive comments on here. I’ve been writing a lot about my own faith journey during infertility – blogging and very soon to be releasing a book on Amazon. Here are some more of my thoughts: http://chixpartyoffive.com/2014/10/pursuing-another-dream-while-i-wait-betsy/.
Thanks, Betsy. I’ll check out your thoughts as well on your post! 🙂
What is “insensitive” about mentioning adoption? It is a beautiful way to grow a family. I think it is insensitive to ignore suggestions to adopt, as though the needs of orphaned children do not matter. They matter very much. In fact, we are commanded to help widows and orphans.
There was nothing wrong with your adoption comments. No one ignored them. That matter is private at this time between my family and I.
All the comments about adoption were ignored.
I actually didn’t write or reply to everyone as I’ve not had time. I’m not ignoring anyone.
You are behaving like a troll, though you won’t admit it, “Judy” (if that is your real name), and you deserve to be ignored as you relentlessly pursue your own agenda. And I would be willing to bet that “[a]ll the comments about adoption” were probably from your troll friends — or yourself, perhaps, under different pseudonyms. Drop it.
Judy, I am a mom of 5 children, all adopted. I am infertile. Never been pregnant. Don’t know why. But the whole infertility thing is very personal and sometimes when people say, “why don’t you just adopt?” It can come across as flippant and calloused, even if it is not meant that way. People should never adopt until they have come to terms with and dealt with their infertility. Adopted children should never feel “second best”, and unless a parent can fully embrace adoption and is ready for it, it shouldn’t happen. I praise God for my infertility. For some reason I never grieved it. I was fine with it. We were ready for adoption after about 6 months of trying and we never looked back. But not everyone is like that, and that is fine.
I love it when people say “just adopt,” like, “just go pick up a can of corn at the grocery store.” It’s a years-long process sometimes, and it can cost $20,000 or more. And it’s a CALLING that not everyone has been given. And since you’re so concerned about the orphans, Judy, I’d love to know how many you’ve adopted, since they matter so much to you and you’ve judged this to be the solution for everyone?
I just read today that the psalms are all about Jesus. That all of it talks about His fears, His tears, His troubles all for us, so that we can have life in Him. I understand your heart. Although I have 4 children and I would love to have more but for now, it’s not possible. Will see where God leads us.
Thanks Tereza! 🙂 I love the Psalms too.
What a beautifully loving mother your sons have in you, Jennifer. You see them as the blessings from the Lord that they are. Praying for you as you continue your walk with the Lord.
I have lived your hurt for 18 years and at the age of 52 it will stay with me forever. It’s a terrible pain.
What you write it so true. I have never bore a child. I am 36 and have been “trying” and praying for a child for over 11 years now. It’s difficult, but I do that God has a plan. Thank you for your encouraging words. Just knowing you can feel my pain is comfort to me.
Jen, as your mama, I’m reading thru these comments and thanking God for the many ladies in your life who lift you up in prayer and understand your pain. Then there are those comments and suggestions that are hurtful and callous and they made my blood pressure rise, yet you showed them Grace with a soft answer. I see the hurt on your face when you hold a baby, I hear the hurt in your voice when we talk. It’s hard to watch you go thru this time in your life but so amazing to see you cling to God’s truths and promises. I’m praying for your health issues and that God gives you strength and answers. I know someday God is going to bless you and our family with that child you are so longing for. I love you sweet girl of mine and thank God for you every day.
Thanks mom. 🙂 I’m thankful that I have your prayers and the prayers of many friends. Praying my arms won’t ache one of these days, but will be filled. I know you’ll enjoy that as well! Love you!
Here is information about a mother and family who desperately needs everyone’s prayers. She has a son – his name is Knox. One night his father checked on him and he had stopped breathing. He did CPR on him and saved him but Knox didn’t come back – and he is still in a coma. It has been months and months. They are taking care of him at home. They need all the prayers they can get. Please share this. https://www.facebook.com/TeamKnoxJoseph/
I want to add that the reason I posted this is because God has a plan in everything. We have trust, have completely and pure faith and rejoice in His plan. In every current situation there are the pure drops of honey that are so sweet and so delicious. This is the idea of unconditional faith. If you truly love God, then you must truly embrace His plan for you. It may not be easy – but it is still HIS plan for you.
FL, how heartbreaking for this family. Praying for them right now.
Thank you for writing this post. It helped me understand what my mom may have gone through for a while. My parents had 17 years of infertility before I came along. She said it was a very hard time in her life. Being an adult now and overseeing multiple family ministries at our church, I try to remember that there is someone out there like my mom struggling with infertility. Hugs to you today. 🙂