Hope in Miscarriage- Our Story

There are most certainly moments in life that are harder than others.  Moments that you feel you've been punched in the gut as your air is sucked out of your lungs. Finger tips becoming tingly as panic sets in and the room begins to wobble and spin. I don't know what life altering circumstances may have ushered in this pain in your life, but for me it was losing my baby. Let me go back and tell you more of our story.

In 2000 we had our oldest son.  After many years of infertility, we were told we'd not be able to have anymore children.  In 2006 we were completely shocked when we became pregnant again.  They said it wasn't possible, but God. After our second son was born we didn't know what would happen.  We waited.  Prayed.  Years went by and my womb remained empty.  I'm not going to get into all my physical issues or in naming the supplements we tried.  Four months after we got married in 1999 we gave our family size to the Lord to do as He would.  And He has. 12 more years had come and gone.  We became licensed foster to adopt parents.  We always hoped the Lord would add to our home and we wanted to be open to whatever He had for us.

On January 4th, our precious foster daughter left our home.  It was an abrupt move and we didn't even get to say goodbye.  It was heart wrenching for our family.  We had loved her with all we had for over 7 months.  She brought extreme joy to our home. It was a stressful time for all of us.  Many tears were shed as we mourned the loss of this little person we adored so much.  Due to all that stress, I assumed my body was "out of whack".  It'd been 12 years, so I never assumed I'd be expecting a baby.  NEVER.  I waited weeks...3 weeks so take a test. I was feeling pregnancy symptoms at that point.  I just tried to dismiss them because in my mind it really wasn't a possibility. But God.  God's in charge of my womb.  Had He chosen to open it?

I took the test.  I took two.  We were shocked.  When I say shocked...I mean it!  I am 43, almost 44 years old.  Shan was 46, going on 47.  We never expected this.  We even thought maybe this was just the signs of aging that I was late.  The joy that swept over my heart was incredible.  Could it really be true after 12 years?  We told our two boys and I think they were just as shocked as we were.  My oldest immediately named the baby, Elizabeth.  We all joked about how this baby HAD to be a girl.  Our sweet foster girl had left a big hole in our home.  So, Elizabeth she was from that first positive test.

Because of my age and that I'd not known for a few weeks that I was pregnant, the OB got me in the next day when they were open.  They had me wait another week for an ultrasound.  That week was packed with fear and excitement.  After a week we told our families and they were full of mixed emotions and just as surprised as we were.  The weekend was long.  It seemed to be life in slow motion.  I was spotting a little and that was scary for me.  I know it can be normal, so I tried to not be fearful.  Maybe the Lord was preparing my heart for what was to come.

Monday, February 4th, exactly one month after our foster baby left, we went into that ultrasound room.  I was crying and the tech asked me what was wrong.  I told her of the spotting and that I was worried.  I laid down and Shan was sitting next to me holding my hand.  I knew.  I just did. The screen didn't look like what we wanted and hoped to see. My body had already started to reabsorb the baby.  I was about 9 weeks and my sac looked about 7 weeks along.  The tech tried to gently tell me the news of what she was seeing.  I sobbed. She took more pictures and then I got dressed.  She had a midwife come in and explain things to me further.  One thing she said stands out.  "Your baby stopped developing at around 7 weeks.  If it makes you feel any better, it probably didn't even have a heartbeat yet."  I said, "No, that doesn't help me feel better."  I know she had a heartbeat.  I left the office heaving in tears.  We just sat in the van for a long time.  It was pouring rain.  The weather seemed to match my tears.

On February 6th, I lost my little one.  I had 5 hours of contractions the night before.  I didn't know what all went into a miscarriage.  The pain, emotions, hormonal imbalance, tears.....all of it.  It's so much to walk through and not something many women talk about.  I think that's why I didn't know what was coming. I stayed home most days since then.  When I did go out, I struggled with panic attacks.  It'd hit and I didn't know why or that it was coming.  I know many wondered where I was or why I wasn't here or there.  It's just NOW been three weeks since my loss.  (when the post was written) I don't think that's long at all to stay in and heal.  I'm thankful that my husband has been understanding of all of this.

I've had some sweet gifts sent to me.  I received some beautiful jewelry the past two weeks to remember Elizabeth.  Two ladies sent me books to read.  My chiropractor sent me the kindest card.  I appreciate all the outpouring of prayers and messages we've received as well. I've had some phone calls too, but talking on the phone or a visit during that first two weeks just wasn't something I could do.  My mom helped that first week when I needed someone with me and Shan had to work.  Just having someone present is helpful. I just needed to be my close family. Added bonus if they cook and clean too!

I will be completely honest and say I have wrestled with the Lord through this time.  After 12 years, I'd no longer even had a hope in this area of carrying a child of our own.  The thought didn't cross my mind!  Why now?  We were already hurting from losing our foster baby.  It seemed like the perfect timing for this sweet one to come after losing Little E, so to have this baby taken as well was like a double blow. I'm so thankful that God can handle me and all my emotions, hurts and prayers.  I made myself sit in His word.  I listened to it when my eyes hurt from crying and I couldn't see to read it well. I had just read through Job the weeks prior, which was a comfort.  I also continued to read, "Hope When it Hurts".  "...while it's more comfortable to sit and wallow in our pain, we have to drench ourselves in remembering ways he has been faithful to us in the past, as well as evidence of his continual faithfulness through Scripture and, most importantly, the gospel." page 195 Another quote, "Suffering has the ability to shake us to the core, rattling our confidence and comfort, often leaving us in a state of anxiety over what we can't control. The Holy Spirit is at work to grow in us the peace that comes from knowing that we are not in control, but that God is--and that God is for us. He assists us to cast all our anxieties on God, then to leave them there." page 212 Quote after quote of this book has been very comforting to my heart.  I had to lean into Him.

My favorite passage of scripture:

Psalm 73:21-28 (ESV)

Where was God in all of this?  He was with us.  I can't begin to understand His plan for our lives, but I know He does what He does for a reason.  A big picture.  He has drawn us closer to each other and to Him through these extremely difficult months.  He was a refuge, strength, comfort and peace to our hearts.  Our little one may not have gotten to see outside of my womb, but she went straight from me to the Lord.  Our purpose on earth is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  One comfort for my heart has definitely been that my little girl is now glorifying God forever and in His care.  She was His to begin with.